Four months ago, after hearing whispers of men having “non-ejaculatory orgasms,” orgasms lasting for minutes on end, and being able to orgasm multiple times in a single session (without needing a break), I decided I had to figure it out.
And, more importantly, I had to help other guys figure it out too.
I waded through countless forum discussions, poorly written books, podcast interviews, old texts on tantric spirituality, and whatever else I could get my hands on.
After plenty of research and practice, I got it down to a science.
Part 1 was figuring out how any guy can last as long as he wants to in bed. Without this, it’s impossible to have the ejaculatory control necessary for non-ejaculatory orgasms.
Part 2 was learning how men can have non-ejaculatory orgasms, and prolonged non-ejaculatory orgasms, entirely on their own (yeah, I wrote a 4,000-word article on advanced masturbation).
Part 3 is where we are now. How to bring the techniques from lasting longer in bed and having non-ejaculatory orgasms on your own into the bedroom, to drastically improve the fun, pleasure, and potential of any sex activity with a partner.
By the end of this article (assuming you’ve read the others in the series as well), you’ll know how to:
Last as long as you want in bedHave solo non-ejaculatory orgasms (NEOs)Have orgasms that last for minutes (PNEOs)And have NEOs and PNEOs during foreplay and sex
If you’re a guy, this will drastically improve your sex game. Aside from the benefits of being more in control of your ejaculation, and being able to orgasm multiple times with no recovery, 99% of women you meet will have never seen a guy who can get off without “getting off.”
If you’re a woman, this should give you plenty of fun material to work on with your partner.
And, if you’ve been trying to bring up working on him lasting longer, now you can bring up him having multiple orgasms instead (since him learning to last longer is a necessary step).
To help with getting better at orgasming without ejaculating, be sure to download the app Stamena that will help train your kegel muscles.
Before going on, make sure you meet these prereqs (sounds like the best college course ever):
You need to be able to enjoy 20+ minutes of stimulation from foreplay and sex without ejaculating.
If you have trouble lasting that long, start with this article which will get you there.
If you can’t have NEOs and PNEOs on your own, you won’t be able to during sex.
Start by reading how to do it by yourself, and then come back.
Her ability to give you NEOs and PNEOs will be largely based on her ability to read your expressions and physical signs of pleasure, so if you have a habit of being stoic, unexpressive, and silent during foreplay or sex you’ll need to change course. If you’re not reacting, she doesn’t know what’s working.
Besides, lying there with a stone cold expression is serial-killer-level creepy.
If you and your partner aren’t already comfortable talking about sex, and what you both want, this won’t work.
You’re going to ask her to do very specific things in bed and if you’re not comfortable having those discussions, you’ll need to fix that problem.
Last thing: most of what you’re doing here is fairly selfish in that it’s focused on pleasing you, getting you off, etc. It’s a ton of fun for her too, but be a gentleman and make sure she gets off as well.
Alright, you’re ready. Let’s move on.
Before your partner can give you NEOs, she needs to see you reach them on your own.
I’m just going to use “she” and “her” because it’s easier, but obviously, this works for gay couples too. Lesbian couples it’d be kind of tricky.
The hand motions, speeds, and intensities that work for you to have NEOs and PNEOs as outlined in the last article might be hard to communicate or describe, so the easiest thing to do is just show her.
Lie down together in bed where she’ll have a good view, and work yourself up to an NEO or PNEO. Encourage her to ask questions as you’re going, explain what you’re doing, and get her familiar with the strokes that you use to get there.
The most important part of this is showing her how to keep you in a PNEO state, what to do when you get too close, and the physical signs of you being in a PNEO. The better she understands these cues, the better she’ll be able to manipulate her stroking speed and intensity to get you there and keep you there.
When she feels like she gets it, you can move on to:
Maybe you haven’t gotten a hand job since high school, but we’re bringing them back into the mix since they’re by far the easiest way to have NEOs and PNEOs with a partner.
The easiest position to do this from is to have her lying next to you, to the same side of you as her dominant hand (so if she’s right handed, on your right side).
She lies on her side and just uses the same strokes you showed her. You’ll know best what works for you, so you have to tell her when to speed up, slow down, and what grips to use.
As you’ve probably learned, it’s much easier to have successive NEOs after the first one (just like how women can orgasm easier after their first one) so one thing you can try here is bring yourself to NEO once, then let her take over and try to bring you to another one.
Don’t forget to use lube. A silicone based one like Swiss Navy will work better since water based ones dry out quickly, and having to re-apply is a big distraction.
One thing that can help is if she flips her grip from the typical masturbation grip (left) to an inverted one (right).
By doing this, she’s using her whole palm to stimulate the head of your penis instead of just her thumb, which can help get you there faster and keep you in the peak for longer.
Until she has it down, you’ll want to use voice cues on when she needs to stop. It’ll be hard for her to know exactly how close you are, so if you don’t tell her “stop” and “okay go” she might go too long and give you a full ejaculatory orgasm.
In the beginning, there will likely be some misfires. Just take a few minutes to cuddle, talk, get her off, whatever you want and then try again. It’ll actually be easier when you try after a misfire since it’ll be harder to ejaculate.
With practice, she’ll get to the point of being able to give you NEOs as well as you can give yourself, which gives her the psychological (and probably unbeknownst to her) pleasure of getting you off half a dozen times before sex even starts.
With NEOs figured out, you can move on to getting PNEOs (prolonged non-ejaculatory orgasms).
This is, again, harder to do since you’re not controlling the motion and pressure anymore, but you can use a similar technique that you used for having PNEOs on your own.
Build up to your first NEO, then let yourself come back down a bit. Build up again, then come down.
The third time, build up to it, and just before you hit the point of no return, start doing kegel holds as if you were having an orgasm, and you’ll enter the PNEO state without feeling like you have to work to prevent yourself from ejaculating.
As long as she keeps the pressure, speed, and point of contact consistent, you can keep yourself in the PNEO for a while just by clenching and unclenching your PC muscle.
If you want to really extend it, you can tell her to “slow down” and “speed up” to keep you in the 9.5-9.9 range that will let you orgasm for minutes. It’s an incredible psychological pleasure for her, and, obviously, a lot of fun for you too.
With that figured out, if your abs aren’t too sore yet, you can also try…
I’ve been going in order of difficulty. Manual is easiest, blowjobs are harder, and intercourse is hardest.
Most people’s jaws will get sore from the amount of pressure needed to keep you in a PNEO state so it’s hard to keep it going, the stroke is much less consistent, and there’s not a great angle to give as much head stimulation as you need to easily get to NEOs and PNEOs.
That said, aside from the obvious that blowjobs are fun either way, it IS possible to have NEOs and PNEOs from them, especially paired with hand stimulation.
To get started, she can build you up to an 8 or 9 with whatever combination of oral + manual stimulation you like.
As you get close, she should switch to a typical up and down motion, and use her hand as well as her mouth to give you the full range of stimulation, and to add pressure to the head as she moves up off of your shaft.
With enough grip intensity from her hand and mouth, you can get to an NEO and PNEO just like you did in step 3.
You have to experiment for yourself, but one thing to try is to have her do full strokes (mouth + hand) instead of shorter faster ones right as you’re about to start orgasming. It’ll reduce misfire likelihood by spreading the pleasure out more.
Another option, which is easier and gives her the pleasure of watching you writhe around, is for her to use oral to get you up to a 9.5 then put you into the PNEO state with her hand.
The only tricky thing here is that since she obviously doesn’t want a mouthful of lube, she’ll have to use a fair amount of saliva to save you from chafing.
Foreplay NEOs and PNEOs mastered? Time for…
The moment you’ve been waiting for: how to have those NEOs and PNEOs while having sex.
I’ll warn you that intercourse is by FAR the hardest way to get them. You’re going to have a ton of misfires, so do your lady a favor and make sure she’s gotten her satisfaction before you start experimenting.
Luckily, as always, misfires are still tons of fun.
It’s going to be way easier to have NEOs during intercourse if you have at least one manually or orally first. As you likely found from doing them on your own, successive ones are easier than the first.
Once you’ve had at least one from foreplay and have moved into sex, getting yourself to have an NEO or PNEO is all about using the right positioning to create as similar of stimulation to your manual NEOs as possible.
I’m assuming that everyone will be a little different (I’m only one sample, after all) but these are the positions that I find work best.
If you really want to do your homework, try all of them and see what works best, then try any other positions you like (here’s a good Pinterest board to get you started).
In general, a position will help NEOs if it:
Makes her tighterGives you plenty of control over your motionCreates more friction against the head of your penis (90-degree angles)Is comfortable
Here, all she has to do is get herself off using a forward and back motion on top of you.
The speed and intensity from her working herself up to orgasm, plus the less intense stimulation of the forward and backward motion, makes it easy for you to get to that 9.5 point where you can start clenching your PC muscle hard and bring yourself to an NEO.
The best thing about this position is that since you’re lying down and she’s supplying the movement, your muscles giving out as you start to orgasm doesn’t end the fun. With the other positions I’m going to cover, it’s very hard to keep the orgasm going since you’re probably going to partially collapse as soon as it starts.
The last trick here is to delay your orgasm until she’s about to orgasm as well. That way, you both orgasm at the same time, and while she’s recovering you have a moment to breathe and bring yourself back down from that 9.9 level.
Better if you’re kneeling, this is the closest image I could find
Among the positions where you’re in control, this one and its variations are the best.
By kneeling, you can slow how quickly you hit the point of no return, and by adding a Liberator wedge (or hard enough pillow) under her butt, you angle her hips up so that you give extra pressure against the top of her vagina, making the stimulation more intense for both of you.
Also by kneeling, you have a lot more control over the speed, depth, and intensity of your strokes compared to supporting yourself in a position like missionary, so it’s much easier to stop at the right times and keep yourself in a peak.
And since you’re face to face, she gets the psychological pleasure of watching you getting off, and you get to look at her as well.
Finally, this opens up the option to stimulate her clit with your thumb or a small vibrator, if you want to take turns getting her and yourself off.
There are also a number of variations on position 2 you can play around with to change the angle, create a tighter grip, and give her different types of stimulation.
The benefit here is that with her legs up against your chest, her clit is tilted more towards your hips and can get more stimulation while you’re thrusting, and by bringing her legs together it creates a tighter grip around your penis making it better for both of you.
By crossing her legs, you’ll get a tighter grip around your penis, and you’ll be able to hold onto her knees to rock her back and forth for an extra type of sensation on top of the thrusting.
For her, this gives you more upward pressure against the top of her vagina, so if she has a sensitive g-spot it’ll feel more intense.
This is by far the tightest position you have available to you.
By crossing her legs across your chest she’ll be squeezing your penis much more than in other positions, and by tilting her hips back from being on a pillow, you get more stimulation on the head of your penis as well.
If you’re trying to last longer this is the worst position to be in.
Similar to legs up on your chest, this tightens the pressure around your penis, and can give you both a different sensation than you’re used to since it’s at a different angle than most positions.
Also, if your penis is curved left or right it can give her some stimulation that she’s not used to getting, either against the front or back of her vagina.
This position feels amazing for both of you, and may well become your new favorite.
Since she’s turned and has her legs closed, there’s a much stronger grip around your penis. And since you’re straddling one of her legs, you can push your thigh right up against her leg, giving her the opportunity to grind her clit against you as you’re thrusting, or instead of you thrusting when you get her close.
The tricky thing here is that it’s a little harder to sit up on your knees. The angle of entry feels better if you’re in-between kneeling upright and being hunched over like in missionary.
That said, this position has the second highest chance of you both getting off (possibly at the same time) after her being on top, and the pressure makes NEOs easy.
Doggy provides all of the key things you need to make NEOs easy: high pressure against the back of her vagina, high control from being on your knees, and easy manipulation of angle and speed.
The only downside is that you lose the face to face connection. So she’ll be able to hear and maybe feel you getting off, but she can’t see it.
That said, if it’s a position she loves already, then working NEOs into it can be a great addition.
Just like with everything else in this article, and the others, it’s up to you to figure out what works best for you.
Try new positions, or work with ones you already like, until you find what makes it easiest to have NEOs. As with everything else here, figuring it out is half of the fun.
All that’s left is to send this article to your partner and get started.
And if you find anything else that facilitates NEOs and PNEOs in any stage of foreplay or sex, leave it in the comments (or just email me if you’re shy).
Sex position diagrams are courtesy of Cosmo and Bustle. Be grateful they exist, my drawing skills are terrible.
Then consider joining the 25,000 other people getting the Monday Medley newsletter. It's a collection of fascinating finds from my week, usually about psychology, technology, health, philosophy, and whatever else catches my interest. I also include new articles and book notes.