Extremely useful for learning to interpret other people’s body language. One of the best books on the subject. After you read it you’ll be noticing these little cues everywhere–it’ll be impossible to unsee them.
Nonverbal behaviors comprise approximately 60 to 65 percent of all interpersonal communication and, during lovemaking, can constitute 100 percent of communication between partners.
“Eye-blocking” is a nonverbal behavior that can occur when we feel threatened and/or don’t like what we see. Squinting (as in the case with my classmates, described above) and closing or shielding our eyes are actions that have evolved to protect the brain from “seeing” undesirable images and to communicate our disdain toward others.
Commandment 1: Be a competent observer of your environment.
Commandment 2: Observing in context is key to understanding nonverbal behavior.
Commandment 3: Learn to recognize and decode nonverbal behaviors that are universal.
Commandment 4: Learn to recognize and decode idiosyncratic nonverbal behaviors.
Commandment 5: When you interact with others, try to establish their baseline behaviors.
Commandment 6: Always try to watch people for multiple tells—behaviors that occur in clusters or in succession.
Commandment 7: It’s important to look for changes in a person’s behavior that can signal changes in thoughts, emotions, interest, or intent.
Commandment 8: Learning to detect false or misleading nonverbal signals is also critical.
Commandment 9: Knowing how to distinguish between comfort and discomfort will help you to focus on the most important behaviors for decoding nonverbal communications.
Commandment 10: When observing others, be subtle about it.
Officer McFadden’s detailed observations became the basis for a landmark U.S. Supreme Court decision known to every police officer in the United States. Since 1968, this ruling has allowed police officers to stop and frisk individuals without a warrant when their behaviors telegraph their intention to commit a crime.
In order to ensure our survival, the brain’s very elegant response to distress or threats, has taken three forms: freeze, flight, and fight. Like other animal species whose limbic brains protected them in this manner, humans possessing these limbic reactions survived to propagate because these behaviors were already hardwired into our nervous system.
In reality, the way animals, including humans, react to danger occurs in the following order: freeze, flight, fight. If the reaction really were fight or flight, most of us would be bruised, battered, and exhausted much of the time.
Consistent with the need to freeze when confronted by a threat, people being questioned about a crime will often fix their feet in a position of security (interlocked behind the chair legs) and hold that position for an inordinate period of time. When I see this type of behavior, it tells me something is wrong; this is a limbic response that needs to be further explored.
The “turtle effect” (shoulders rise toward the ears) is often seen when people are humbled or suddenly lose confidence.
People lean away from each other subconsciously when they disagree or feel uncomfortable around each other.
Eye blocking is a very powerful display of consternation, disbelief, or disagreement.
Neck touching and/or stroking is one of the most significant and frequent pacifying behaviors we use in responding to stress. When women pacify using the neck, they often do so by covering or touching their suprasternal notch with their hand
Covering of the neck dimple pacifies insecurities, emotional discomfort, fear, or concerns in real time. Playing with a necklace often serves the same purpose.
Rubbing of the forehead is usually a good indicator that a person is struggling with something or is undergoing slight to severe discomfort.
Cheek or face touching is a way to pacify when nervous, irritated, or concerned.
Exhaling with puffed out cheeks is a great way to release stress and to pacify. Notice how often people do this after a near mishap.
Men adjust their ties to deal with insecurities or discomfort. It also covers the suprasternal notch.
Touching or stroking the face is a frequent human pacifying response to stress. Motions such as rubbing the forehead; touching, rubbing, or licking the lip(s); pulling or massaging the earlobe with thumb and forefinger; stroking the face or beard; and playing with the hair all can serve to pacify an individual when confronting a stressful situation.
Sometimes we see individuals under stress yawning excessively. Yawning not only is a form of “taking a deep breath,” but during stress, as the mouth gets dry, a yawn can put pressure on the salivary glands.
Leg cleansing is one pacification behavior that often goes unnoticed because it frequently occurs under a desk or table… Some individuals will do the “leg cleanser” only once, but often it is done repeatedly or the leg merely is massaged.
This behavior involves a person (usually a male) putting his fingers between his shirt collar and neck and pulling the fabric away from his skin (see figure 17). This ventilating action is often a reaction to stress and is a good indicator that the person is unhappy with something he is thinking about or experiencing in his environment. A woman may perform this nonverbal activity more subtly by merely ventilating the front of her blouse or by tossing the back of her hair up in the air to ventilate her neck.
When facing stressful circumstances, some individuals will pacify by crossing their arms and rubbing their hands against their shoulders, as if experiencing a chill. Watching a person employ this pacifying behavior is reminiscent of the way a mother hugs a young child.
In order to gain knowledge about a person through nonverbal pacifiers, there are a few guidelines you need to follow:
Having conducted thousands of interviews for the FBI, I learned to concentrate on the suspect’s feet and legs first, moving upward in my observations until I read the face last. When it comes to honesty, truthfulness decreases as we move from the feet to the head.
Happy feet are feet and legs that wiggle and/or bounce with joy.
You don’t need to look under the table to see happy feet. Just look at a person’s shirt and/or his shoulders. If his feet are wiggling or bouncing, his shirt and shoulders will be vibrating or moving up and down.
Second, moving feet and legs may simply signify impatience.
Where one foot points and turns away during a conversation, this is a sign the person has to leave, precisely in that direction. This is an intention cue.
Clasping of the knees and shifting of weight on the feet is an intention cue that the person wants to get up and leave.
When we are excited about something or feel very positive about our circumstances, we tend to defy gravity by doing such things as rocking up and down on the balls of our feet or walking with a bit of a bounce in our step.
When the toes point upward as in this photograph, it usually means the person is in a good mood or is thinking or hearing something positive.
We normally cross our legs when we feel comfortable. The sudden presence of someone we don’t like will cause us to uncross our legs.
In other words, we cross our legs in such a way so that we tilt toward the person we favor. This can provide some interesting revelations during family gatherings.
During courtship, and particularly while seated, a woman will often play with her shoes and dangle them from the tips of her toes when she feels comfortable with her companion.
…when I first meet someone, I typically lean in, give the person a hearty handshake (depending on the appropriate cultural norms in the situation), make good eye contact, and then take a step back and see what happens next. One of three responses is likely to take place:
When a person talks to you with feet pointed away, it is a good indication this person wants to be elsewhere. Watch for people who make formal declarations in this position, as this is a form of distancing.
When an individual suddenly turns his toes inward or interlocks his feet, it is a sign that he is insecure, anxious, and/or feels threatened.
A sudden interlocking of the legs may suggest discomfort or insecurity. When people are comfortable, they tend to unlock their ankles.
The sudden locking of ankles around the legs of a chair is part of the freeze response and is indicative of discomfort, anxiety, or concern.
You should always be on the lookout for multiple tells (tell clusters) that point to the same behavioral conclusion. They strengthen the likelihood that your conclusion is correct.
Not only do we lean away from people who make us uncomfortable, we may also blade away (turn slightly) by degrees from that which does not appeal to us or we grow to dislike.
People lean toward each other when there is high comfort and agreement. This mirroring or isopraxis starts when we are babies.
A sudden crossing of the arms during a conversation could indicate discomfort.
The question is not whether something is wrong, nor does this posture mean they are blocking the teacher out; arms intertwined across the front is a very comfortable pose for many people. However, when a person suddenly crosses arms and then interlocks them tightly, with a tight hand grip, this is indicative of discomfort.
Splaying out is a territorial display, which is OK in your own home but not in the workplace, especially during a job interview.
Watch two people who are angry with each other; they will puff out their chests just like silverback gorillas. Although it may seem almost comical when we see others do it, puffing of the chest should not be ignored, because observation has shown that when people are about to strike someone their chests will puff out.
Shoulders rising toward the ears causes the “turtle effect”; weakness, insecurity, and negative emotions are the message.
When excited, we don’t restrict our arm movements; in fact, our natural tendency is to defy gravity and raise our arms high above our heads
When we are upset or fearful, we withdraw our arms.
Sometimes called the “regal stance,” arms behind the back mean “don’t draw near.” You see royalty using this behavior to keep people at a distance.
One territorial behavior used to assert dominance and project an image of authority is known as arms akimbo. This nonverbal behavior involves a person extending both arms out in a V pattern with the hands placed (thumbs backward) on the hips.
Interlaced hands behind the head are indicative of comfort and dominance. Usually, the senior person at a meeting will pose or “hood” this way.
Fingertips planted spread apart on a surface are a significant territorial display of confidence and authority.
While our faces can be very honest in displaying how we feel, they do not always necessarily represent our true sentiments. This is because we can, to a degree, control our facial expressions and, thus, put on a false front.
Squinting, furrowing of the forehead, and facial contortions are indicative of distress or discomfort.
Head tilt says in a powerful way, “I am comfortable, I am receptive, I am friendly.” It is very difficult to do this around people we don’t like.
We squint to block out light or objectionable things. We squint when we are angry or even when we hear voices, sounds, or music we don’t like.
Squinting can be very brief—1/8 of second—but in real time may reflect a negative thought or emotion.
A brief touch of the eyes during a conversation may give you a clue to a person’s negative perception of what is being discussed.
A delay in the opening of the eyelids upon hearing information or a lengthy closure is indicative of negative emotions or displeasure.
When we are content, our eyes are relaxed and show little tension.
Here the eyebrows are arched slightly, defying gravity, a sure sign of positive feelings.
Flashbulb eyes can be seen when we are excited to see someone or are full of positive emotions we just can’t hold back.
We look askance at people when we are distrustful or unconvinced, as in this photo.
A real smile forces the corners of the mouth up toward the eyes.
This is a fake or “polite smile”: the corners of the mouth move toward the ears and there is little emotion in the eyes.
Note that when the lips are full, usually the person is content.
Lip compression, reflecting stress or anxiety, may progress to the point where the lips disappear, as in this photo.
When the lips disappear and the corners of the mouth turn down, emotions and confidence are at a low point, while anxiety, stress, and concerns are running high.
We purse our lips or pucker them when we are in disagreement with something or someone, or we are thinking of a possible alternative.
A sneer fleetingly signifies disrespect or disdain. It says “I care little about you or your thoughts.”
Lip licking is a pacifying behavior that tends to soothe and calm us down. You see it in class just before a test.
Tongue jutting is seen when people get caught doing something they shouldn’t, they screw up, or they are getting away with something. It is very brief.
A furrowed forehead is an easy way to assess for discomfort or anxiety. When we are happy and content, you hardly see this behavior.
As discussed previously, the flaring of nostrils is a facial cue that signals that a person is aroused.
We crinkle our noses to indicate dislike or disgust. This is very accurate but at times fleeting. In some cultures it is really pronounced.
When confidence is low or we are concerned for ourselves, the chin will tuck in, forcing the nose down.
When we feel positive, the chin comes out and the nose is high: both signs of comfort and confidence.
When confronted with mixed signals from the face (such as happiness cues along with anxiety signals or pleasure behaviors seen alongside displeasure displays), or if the verbal and nonverbal facial messages are not in agreement, always side with the negative emotion
most people—both laypersons and professionals—are not very good at detecting lies.
The truth is that identifying deceit is so difficult that repeated studies begun in the 1980s show that most of us—including judges, attorneys, clinicians, police officers, FBI agents, politicians, teachers, mothers, fathers, and spouses—are no better than chance (fifty-fifty) when it comes to detecting deception.
We show discomfort when we do not like what is happening to us, when we do not like what we are seeing or hearing, or when we are compelled to talk about things we would prefer to keep hidden. We display discomfort first in our physiology, due to arousal of the limbic brain.
When we are uncomfortable with those around us, we tend to distance ourselves from them. This is especially true of individuals trying to deceive us.
When making false statements, liars will rarely touch or engage in other physical contact with you.
When we do not like something we hear, whether a question or an answer, we often close our eyes as if to block out what was just heard.
During discomfort, the limbic brain takes over, and a person’s face can conversely either flush or lighten in color.
Although pacifiers alone are not definitive proof of deception (since they can manifest in innocent people who are nervous), they do provide another piece of the puzzle in determining what a person is truly thinking and feeling.
Synchrony is also important, however, in assessing for deception. Look for synchrony between what is being said verbally and nonverbally, between the circumstances of the moment and what the subject is saying, between events and emotions, and even synchrony of time and space.
When being questioned, a person answering in the affirmative should have a congruent head movement that immediately supports what is said; it should not be delayed. Lack of synchrony is exhibited when a person states, “I did not do it,” while her head is nodding in an affirmative motion.
Observing emphasis is important because the emphasis is universal when people are being genuine. Emphasis is the limbic brain’s contribution to communication, a way to let others know just how potently we feel. Conversely, when the limbic brain does not back up what we say, we emphasize less or not at all. For the most part, in my experience and that of others, liars do not emphasize
I have noticed that liars will tend to display less steepling. I also look for the white knuckles of the individual who grabs the chair armrest in a fixed manner as though in an “ejector seat.” Unfortunately, for this uncomfortable person, ejection from the discussion is often impossible.
Interestingly, as individuals make declarative statements that are false, they will avoid touching not only other people but objects such as a podium or table as well. I have never seen or heard a person who is lying yell affirmatively, “I didn’t do it,” while pounding his fist on the table.
The palms-up or “rogatory” position usually indicates the person wants to be believed or wants to be accepted. It is not a dominant, confident display.
However, when a person is making a passionate and assertive declaration such as, “You have to believe me, I did not kill her,” those hands should be face down
Statements made palm down are more emphatic and more confident than statements made with hands palm up in the rogatory position.
Then consider joining the 30,000 other people getting the Monday Medley newsletter. It's a collection of fascinating finds from my week, usually about psychology, technology, health, philosophy, and whatever else catches my interest. I also include new articles and book notes.